Team Unicorn vs. Mega Shark!

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Clare Grant pilots Unicorn 2 in Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015)

In the opening sequence of The Asylum‘s Mega Shark vs. Kolossus (2015), we meet Team Unicorn (played by multi-media production team Team Unicorn), a quartet of sexy female soldiers deployed by the U.S. government to hunt down mega sharks in a pair of state-of-the-art mini-subs that resemble killer whales. You would think narwhals would be a more suitable design for them. Unicorn 1 is piloted by Milynn (Milynn Sarley, who played Cinderella in The Asylum‘s awesome mockbuster Avengers Grimm) and Alison (Alison Haislip), while Unicorn 2 is piloted by Rileah (Rileah Vanderbilt, who played Rapunzel in The Asylum‘s awesome mockbuster Avengers Grimm) and Clare (Clare Grant). Team Unicorn, under the command of Admiral Jackson (Ernest L. Thomas channeling Samuel L. Jackson), is investigating an unidentified sonar signal off the coast of Rio de Janeiro when a Russian trawler, whose crew is illegally mining for organic compounds to synthesize a miracle energy source called red mercury, inadvertently unleashes a baby mega shark. The ungrateful 30-foot fish jumps onto the trawler and demolishes it, so the Unicorns engage it with their oxygen-destroying missiles. I’m guessing those missiles were developed from Dr. Serizawa’s oxygen-destroying weapon that successfully killed Godzilla in 1954. However, the beauties’ attempts are futile, since Mega Pup [unlike Godzilla] only gets annoyed. It nose-butts Unicorn 1, sending it hurling out of the ocean and into Christ the Redeemer, Brazil’s iconic statue, where it explodes into a ball of flames. Rileah and Clare gasp in horror. “Swallow this!” Rileah snarls, as she fires off more missiles in retaliation. Mega Pup, even angrier, charges Unicorn 2, takes it into its jaws and shakes it around like a chew toy before releasing it. Clare recovers and assesses the damage. “The missiles are off line, half the systems are down, and we’re taking on water,” she informs Rileah, but soon realizes that Rileah didn’t recover as well. So, Clare attaches Unicorn 2 to Mega Pup with a harpoon in an attempt to blow herself up along with the shark. She only half succeeds, and Mega Pup swims off. Watch the entire Team Unicorn sequence here …

So, after the untimely demise of the lovely shark hunters, Mega Pup becomes a full-grown Mega Shark and threatens Admiral Jackson’s fleet. “What’s happening?!” he demands, as the impossibly large fish bounces his battleships around like beach balls. Meanwhile, Russian mercenaries accidentally unleash a doomsday device left over from the Cold War – a giant red mercury-feuled robot called Kolossus. Kolossus hates America… and Mega Shark! Mega Shark hates American flags… and Kolossus. However, before a battle royale ensues, megalomaniacal billionaire Joshua Dane (Brody Hutzler), with the unwitting help of sharkologist Dr. Alison Gray (Illeana Douglas) and Agent May protégé Moira King (Amy Rider), takes control of both Mega Shark and Kolossus and uses them to convince the world that he is, in fact, Greg Evigan! Watch the trailer here …

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, which premiered (7/18) during Sharknado Week on Syfy, is dumb Asylum fun. It was far more entertaining (in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way) than the week’s other shark-related B-movie premieres, like Roboshark (7/18), Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf (7/19), Zombie Shark (7/20), and 3-Headed Shark Attack (7/21), that led up to the much anticipated (but mostly disappointing) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (7/22). However, I would rather have watched a full-length movie called Team Unicorn vs. Mega Shark!

In an Amazon review, a former servicewoman wrote that “the skimpy, cleavage baring, skintight get ups” worn by Team Unicorn were “absolutely unrealistic” for any “U.S. government agency.” Is that really the most unrealistic part of a movie about a gigantic prehistoric shark that sinks battleships and fights a gigantic humanoid robot?

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Mega Shark vs. Kolossus, directed by Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray [who also directed 3-Headed Shark Attack as well as its predecessor 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)!], is the 4th installment in The Asylum‘s Mega Shark series! That’s right – the 4th! The franchise began with …

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009). Directed by Ace Hannah (aka Jack Perez). Starring former ’80s popstar Debbie Gibson and former TV’s wrongly-accused cop/bounty hunter Reno Raines (Lorenzo Lamas). Sonar testing in the arctic releases the two giant prehistoric title creatures allowing them to continue their ages-old grudge match from the California coast to Tokyo, Japan. Mega shark jumps from the ocean and chomps on a 747, then, later, fills his belly with two battleships and the Golden Gate Bridge; while Giant Octopus swats jet fighters from the sky like flies! Lorenzo Lamas, as a government official  with a ponytail dressed all in black, was cast, apparently, because Steven Segal wasn’t available. Debbie Gibson, as sharkologist Emma MacNeil, does her best to stay positive but, beneath her smile, secretly hopes that Mega Shark will end her misery by eating her. But, alas, fellow sharkologist Dr. Seiji Shimada (Vic Chao) gets that pleasure, instead, in a utility closet! Watch the trailer here …

Or just watch the best parts (here)! Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus was the first bad movie I watched on Syfy where I realized that bad is sometimes good. Mega Piranha (2010), which is every bit as enjoyable as the first Sharknado (2013), really drove that realization home. Anyway, Mega Shark returned in …

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“I’m Leiving on a jet plane …” umm, I mean helicopter!

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010). Directed by Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (again!). Starring former TV’s dork extraordinaire  Steve Urkel (aka Jaleel White), former boxer/model Gary Stretch, and the lovely Sarah Leiving. Mega Shark survives his battle with Giant Octopus but finds a new foe in Crocosaurus, a giant prehistoric crocodile being transported by freighter across the Atlantic. Mega Shark jumps from the ocean and tail slams battleships, then, later, swallows a whole submarine and becomes nuclear, while Crocosaurus invades Miami hoping to take in a Pitbull concert! Sarah Leiving, who is a pleasure to watch in any B-movie, plays stone-faced Special Agent Hutchinson. She is tasked with ensuring that Navy sharkologist Lt. Terry McCormick (Jaleel White), who blames Mega Shark for his girlfriend’s death, and British monster hunter Nigel Putnam (Gary Stretch), who captured Crocosaurus in the Congo, work together to stop the giant monsters. Watch the trailer here …

Sarah Leiving, as always, makes this movie, at the least, watchable; but Crocosaurus is so badly rendered by CGI, it should have been called Mega Shark vs. Crock-a-shit-osaurus! Mega Shark and Debbie Gibson returned in …

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2014). Directed by Emile Edwin Smith. Starring Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Röhm and, of course, Debbie Gibson. The U.N. secretly develops a giant mechanical shark to combat a new Mega Shark (since the last one went nuclear with Crock-a-shit-osaurus). Did they even talk to the Japanese government? Hello?! Mecha-Godzilla didn’t exactly rid Tokyo of that pesky Godzilla, right? Why does it have to be a mechanical shark? Why not a fleet of mechanical bottle-nosed dolphins? I’ve seen Flipper ward off plenty of sharks to save Sandy and Bud in the ’60s or Maya (played by young Jessica Alba) in the ’90s! Anyway, Debbie Gibson returns as sharkologist Emma MacNeil but only Mega Shark is in heat this time. He returns to his breeding grounds near Sydney, Australia to meet a female Mega-Shark but all he finds is Mecha-Shark who, apparently, is not female. Christopher Judge and Elisabeth Röhm play Jack Turner and Rosie Gray, a couple who pilot Mecha-Shark with the help of a KITT-like computer called Nero. However, when Mecha-Shark goes rogue, finding Nero becomes Turner and Gray’s main objective! Oh, that’s how Mega-Shark knows that Mecha-Shark is not female – Nero is voiced by a man! Watch the trailer here …

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark is more dumb Asylum fun. Christopher Judge and Elisabeth Röhm act the hell out of this movie! Oh, and it’s Debbie Gibson‘s third Asylum Mega-monster movie [including Mega-Python vs. Gatoroid (2011) with Gibson‘s former teen rival Tiffany who starred in Mega Piranha]!

And, now, Mega Shark is back with Team Unicorn. I hope, one day, that The Asylum utilizes these lovely ladies in their very own movie! Oooooh, they should add Alison Haislip and Clare Grant to the cast of Avengers Grimm 2: The Winter Queen with Milynn Sarley and Rileah Vanderbilt! Snow White (Lauren Parkinson), Sleeping Beauty (Marah Fairclough), Rapunzel (Vanderbilt) and Cinderella (Sarley) must enlist the help of Anna (Haislip) when Anna’s sister Elsa (Clare Grant) crosses over into our world and wreaks frozen havoc!

Note: Avengers Grimm 2: The Winter Queen isn’t really a thing. Yet.

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